Ne Me Quitte Pas

Close your eyes and listen to this song.

Then, read the following lyrics as you listen to it again.

Do not leave me now
We must just forget
Yes, we can forget
All that's flown beyond
Let's forget the time
The misunderstandings
And the wasted time
To find out how
To forget these hours
Which sometimes kill
The blows of why,
A heart full of joy.
Do not leave me now
Do not leave me now
Do not leave me now
Do not leave me now

I offer you

Pearls of rain

Coming from the lands

Where it never rains

I will cross the world

Till after my death 

To cover your bosom

With gold and light

I will make a kingdom

Where love will be king

Where love will be the law

Where you will be queen

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

I will invent for you

The insane words

That you'll understand

And I will tell you

Of these lovers who

Were seen twice

With their hearts in blaze

I will say in detail

The story of this king

Dead, from having not

Encountered you.

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

One often recalls

Flames light anew

From an old volcano

Thought to be too old.

It appears that

The scorched fields

Can give more corn

Than the best of springs.

And when evening comes

In this blazing sky

The red and the night

Marry nevermore.

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

I will cry no more

I will talk no more

Will hide somehow

Just to look at you

Dance and smile

And to hear you

Sing and laugh

Let me be for you

The shadow of your shadow

The shadow of your hand

The shadow of your dog

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

Do not leave me now

And listen to it again and again and again.

If this song doesn't touch you in some way I am pretty sure you have no heart.  I have never heard a song that so accurately describes (in words and melody) the feeling of being a little cheated in the significant other department and yet striving to hold on to hope for a man that sees and values me for who I am and who God made me to be.  I also like that is seems to give dignity and perspective to being alone.  From the man's perspective in the song, the woman is almost a wish or a dream.  Something he is holding on to to carry him through the next day of loneliness.  I don't know about you, but I can sure relate to that.

Oh my word.  This song is so gutturally romantic and melancholy I just can't get over it.  It just makes me want to cry.


Also....Some of what I have been up to the past few months.  You will notice a LOT of beach :)

10 Ways to Make Your Baking Taste Just Like Your Grandma's

I have been wanting to write this particular blog post for a very long time!  It is something I think about every time someone tells me my baking is delicious and the thought that goes through my head is "I just followed the directions" or "All I did was set the timer".  These seem to be simple enough to me, but I am aware that not everyone grew up in a house where literally all the women dreamed of opening their own bakery.  The women in my family bake!  I love that!  I love that the shape of my hands is the same as my mom's, and grandma's, and great-grandma's (even though I never met her), and that all of us have used them for the same purpose.  So cool!  So here is goes, along with some pictures of my favorite bakers :)

10 Ways to Make Your Baking Taste Just Like Your Grandma's:

1.  Call your mom and your grandma.  Ask them for all the family recipes they have.  Be sure to write down who was best known for making it and who liked it the best!  Recipe books are great things to pass down through the generations.  I am still bummed that a fire burned all the recipes my great-great grandma used and I am pretty far removed from that now.  Old recipes make you feel so connected to the past.  Which brings me to point two...

2. Embrace your heritage.  Actually make the recipes.  Even if you don't like it.  They are a part of your family...like it or not...and fifty years ago your grandpa's mother made him Springerle and he loved it.  And you basically hate it because it tastes like black licorice (gross).  But if you make it for him, he will flash back to a time when his mom was alive and could make him special birthday treats.  I don't know about you, but I hope someone I love will make me special treats from my childhood when I am old, and sit there with me and enjoy it.  Even if they don't.

3. Follow the recipe EXACTLY!  Now is not the time to get fancy with healthy ingredients or substitutions.  You don't need to reinvent the wheel. On that note...

4.  If the recipe calls for oleo...use oleo (margarine).  Back in the day when there were wars and such, and people had rations on sugar and butter (seriously...we are so lucky), they used oleo.  Things fall apart when you use butter in a recipe that calls for oleo.  Trust me.  Plus, oleo is really fun to say!

5.  Use imitation vanilla.  I know I am going to get crap for this, but I don't care.  Real vanilla is SO strong.  Imitation vanilla is so light and subtle.  It's perfect!  If you must use real vanilla, use less of it.  I give you permission to make this one substitution.

6.  Measure all ingredients accurately.  Level off that measuring cup.  Pack your brown sugar, DON'T pack your flour.  Use measuring spoons.  Especially for salt, soda, and baking powder.  It also doesn't really matter if you use a dry measuring cup for a liquid and vice versa.  Just so you know.  Go ahead and grab whatever is clean.

7.  Use salted butter.  Even if the recipe calls for unsalted butter.  When I asked my mom why she uses salted butter her reply was "Unsalted butter sounds like they removed something from the butter, and I never like the idea of that."  Makes sense to me!  I ONLY buy salted butter and it has never failed me yet.

8.  SET. THE. TIMER.  It will not fail that you will get distracted.  The phone will ring.  You will be too absorbed in a magazine.  You might fall asleep in the sunshine.  You need a timer.

9.  Get an over thermometer.  You might set your oven to 350 degrees...but I guarantee that it will not be 350 degrees.

10.  Give your baking away.  You probably don't need to eat seven dozen pumpkin cookies...even if you REALLY want to.  Give it away and watch people's days brighten.  Watch them smile and say "thank you" and chow down.  It is so fulfilling.  They feel appreciated and honored that you would think about little old them.  And that is a good feeling!

And there you have it!  Not too hard to do I don't think!  You can do it!  Take a breath, pour a glass of orange juice, pull out your favorite pyrex bowls and duck measuring cups, slap on a vintage apron, and bake to your hearts content!

Isn't my Momma beautiful!?

Kissing...because they love each other :)

My daddy and brother and target practice.

Dad, Caleb, and Me after cross-country skiing.

Family picture this Christmas 2013

Aubri and Me!  She has become quite the baker...or so I hear!

My dear Aunt Su!

Aunt Su and some of the girl cousins having fun back in the day.  I'm the one in the front :)

New Pyrex dishes!

My Grandma and baby Morgan.

Grandma and Me!

Rachel, Hannah, and Me!  Love these girls!

My Dad makes the best oatmeal raison cookies!  And my grandpa is the one who likes the Springerle/eating whatever we bake!

How NOT to treat a new person at your church

How NOT to treat a new person at your church.  I feel like I should not have to explain this to people.  I feel like it should be obvious to my fellow believers that the church should be a welcoming place.  Regardless of age, gender, clothing style, whether they are alone or a couple or a family.

• The church SHOULD be a place that embraces people for what they are and what they could be through Christ.  
• It SHOULD be a place where a person can feel free to be themselves and struggle with what they struggle with and not be afraid of being shunned.  
• It SHOULD be a place of love and acceptance, knowing that we are all sinners and knowing that God loves us despite that.  
• It SHOULD be the first place a person new to town can go to meet people.  
• It SHOULD have solid biblical teaching and a humble atmosphere of worship and reflection.  
• It SHOULD be a place where we can participate in holy traditions like communion and baptism and rejoice in the fact that Jesus died for us so we can live freely and without guilt.  
• It SHOULD be a very visible example of how God loves us.  
• It SHOULD reach out to its community to prove to those that don't believe, that there is a God who cares about them EVEN if they don't believe in that God.  

These are the things the church SHOULD be.  And more probably.

Now...I would like to share about my experiences in church hunting.  I have talked to quite a few people about this and they seem to be clueless to the fact that this is happening in their own church.  I want to share about what it's like to leave your family and move somewhere by yourself and to find yourself in this position looking for a church.  It is so important, I fall into this category too, so this is just as much an eyeopener for me as it hopefully is for you.

First of all, probably 80% of my friends have lived in the same city for their whole lives.  This is fine and dandy, I am glad they have found a place that they love and have people that love them.  I really am.  I, however, have not stayed in any one place longer than a year in the last 6 years.  I have not had a home church since my junior year in high school.  That is 8 years!  8 years of drifting!  That is a long time to have no set community.  Add that to leaving your family and moving halfway across the country.  So, here goes...

You desperately long for a place to love you like your family does, or at the very to least be a mediocre friend to you, so you hop in your car on Sunday and you drive to the church you have researched (fully through google).  You wear you best dress (to make a good impression), sit in a central location (because you arrive early), place your bible on the seat next to you, cross your legs, read the bulletin, look up to see if anyone else besides the sound guy has arrived, notice that at least 20 people are in the building now, also realize that none of them have come over to say "hi" (because they are talking to their friends), think that you might be putting off an unapproachable vibe (even though in your head this is just ridiculousness), uncross your legs, put your bible in your lap so someone can sit next to you if they choose, wait five more minutes, finally get up the courage to talk to someone, ask a question, get a one word answer, figure they really just didn't want to talk to you, the music starts playing, too late to talk to anyone again, look up from the order of the service to realize that NOT ONE PERSON has even sat in your row!

...

I realize that is the biggest run on sentence know to man...but can you imagine going through that every Sunday...alone!  It sucks!  Do I smell?  Am I weird and my loved ones aren't telling me?  Am I being offensive coming to church by myself?  What is it?  I would really like to know.  What if I wasn't a Christian?  I would never come back to church again.  I am a Christian and I still don't want to go back to church!  Is it just me, or is this awful!?!

I have to say, this wasn't just one experience either.  It happened 98% of the time (and a couple times I was WAY underdressed at a very conservative church.  I think they only talked to me because I was their mission.)  What the HECK people!  I think a lot of people don't even realize that they are doing this.  At first, I took it personally, but I really do think it is unintentional.  That being said, can we maybe try to be a little more intentional with our responses to people?  Especially new people?  Maybe try to be a little more empathetic?  There are times when I went to a new church and the only people I had talked to all week were my parents hundreds of miles away.  On those days, all I wanted was someone to sit next to.  Fine, don't even say anything, but sit next to me.  A fellow believer, and your sister.  Maybe treat me like you would want your sister to be treated if she were alone in an unfamiliar place.  Maybe try to see me as a person that has a valuable place in the body of Christ with important gifts and passions.  A person with a unique make up of ideas from the places she has been.  A person who longs to have a body of people who aren't related to her, show her love and compassion, and maybe give me a hug.  And to worship with those people on a weekly basis.  I have wanted that for 8 years!

SO....Good news!....

I have found a church!  One that I seem to fit well with.  I spent my morning and night with people that made me laugh and valued my thoughts and ideas.  They seemed to think I was hilarious.  That is always a good sign. It is a small church.  I small family oriented church that has people suggest hymns just like Thanksgiving at grandma's house.  You can just feel the love.  Literally...it is like walking into home.  I cried all the way home, I was so thankful!  Of all the churches in Charlotte, I stumbled upon this one.  A tiny, seemingly insignificant, church nestled into the woods.  In that alone I see God's hand working in my life.  Suddenly, stinky Charlotte just got a lot sweeter.  Praise God!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNLgIZ4qyEU

Sarah Ann Mulder...

Alrighty, there are some highlights that I not been sharing from my life, and while I don't particularly feel like writing, I am going to appease the 80% of reasoning of why I am actually keeping this blog.  That reason being I want my future kids to know what I participated in and thought about as a young adult....good and bad.  I wish my parents would have had blogs for me to peruse through at my liesure. They have always given me great advice and have allowed me to make my own decisions as I see fit, but it is so much fun to see pictures of them from when they were my age.  Before they had kids and even met each other.  Their hair and glasses and clothes and the people they hung out with...all of it is fun and wonderful.  So anyway, that is why I am writing this blog...mostly.  The other 20% is because I am a little scared of some freak accident coming through my house and destroying all my pictures and I figure no such accident can destroy the internet.  I'm pretty sure I get that fear from my Momma....all you need to know is that is why cats that pee in our house have just been sentenced to death row.

My mom and dad.  I don't look like them at all...

One of my favorites of my mom and Aunt Su.

So, where do I start?  All the way back to December 2012 when I visited my dear friend Sarah Mulder in San Diego.  I spent a full week hanging out with her and Francis and their not-so-little puppy Leo Beo. We went to the beach and had California burritos and had a photoshoot.  We went shopping and sang Christmas carols.  I got to know Francis much better which was good for me.  It is so wonderful to know that your friends have married great men.  We played quite a bit of the Playstation.  We went to Los Angelos and saw the Hollywood sign and quoted Pretty Woman and saw all the touristy stuff.  I really just enjoyed being around her.  

I know her last name is Kaggwa now...but she will always be Sarah Ann Mulder to me.  She is even in my phone as Sarah Mulder and I have absolutely no intention of changing it.

How do you describe Sarah?  She changes with the wind it seems.  Her style and taste are different every time I see a new picture of her.  This makes my life difficult because I always want to dress like her.  From freshman year to now, I am constantly wishing I had her clothes.  I love that about her though.  Her confidence is such that she can wear/ do/ think/ say anything she wants and people will always think she is awesome.  Or at least they should...because she is.  She is a wife.  A loving, thoughtful wife.  A role I only got to experience her playing this last winter.  Sarah sees beauty in everything.  Things most people find ugly or worn down, she sees as glistening and intriguing.  She has liked some of what I thought were my worst pictures because she sees me in them.  The real me....not just my form.  This has blossomed into a wonderful passion for photography.  From traveling shots in Africa to me, I count it an honor to have been photographed by her.  She has taught me so many things about myself.  She has taught me to appreciate my body...all of it, to what it takes to live with someone successfully, to how to let loose and walk around a room without pants on, which was absolutely appalling to me at first when I lived with her.  She loves my giggle and was not afraid to tell me that.  She is one of the only people who knows what my singing voice is like and we take advantage of that by singing Christmas carols at night before bed.  We have slept right next to each other on a twin size bed, and I have sat and watched her sleep during all-nighters with ear plugs and a face mask that she donned just so I could work comfortably from that same bed.  We are kindred spirits and God knew that and brought us together through terrible roommates, dramatic friends, breakups, reunions, every appliance known to man, and never seeming to be able to remember that our lives overlapped.  She loves thunderstorms and old records.  Once she flushed a live fish down the toilet because she figured it was going to die soon anyway.  She listened to this singer who had such a high pitch talking voice...I can't remember her name.  She loves patterns and prints and Pride and Prejudice.  The quilt on her bed is the same one that she made when we lived together.  I will always remember her singing around the dorm room practicing for choir.  For some reason when I think of this the lyrics of "trust and never doubt, Jesus will surely bring you out, He's never failed me yet" always pop into my head.  These are just some of the things I treasure in my heart about my best friend.  I look forward to finding out many more  secrets about you Sarah Mulder.  I love you and I am so thankful for you!

October 2007

Winter 2008

Sarah's Wedding August 2010

Graduation!  April 2011

Senior Banquet 2011

We're so silly!

Sarah's favorite.

Hollywood!  Everybody's got a dream.  What's your dream?

I LOVE HER!

Leo Beo.  He was so fluffy and soft..and for not being a big dog person, he grew on me.

Mom and pup!

Melancholy Nostalgia

*WARNING:  I AM GOING TO HAVE MY SELF A LITTLE PITY PARTY*

If you don't like those you might not want to read this one....Just a heads up.

Well, it's about that time again...for me to get homesick that is.  I don't know why I thought this would be any different than any other time I have moved.  I am genuinely happy...kind of.  I love having my own place, that is a plus.  I get along with my classmates decently, that is another plus.  In other areas I am kind of in a bummed out mood.

1.  School is good, but I don't think I was mentally prepared enough to go back and I am having a hard time adjusting.  This is awful.  I am actually resenting studio.  I am pretty sure that is not the best way to create great studio work.

2.  There are ZERO groups for grad. students to participate in for FUN.  Apparently grad. students are only interested in academia.  I missed that memo.  This might make me the WORST grad. student ever.  I am sorry, but I spend so much time on my homework, I don't really feel like getting together with my peers for a First Friday discussion on all of our "brilliant" ideas.  Oh...and laser tag on Friday nights with a bunch of kids who just got out of high school doesn't really sound that fun to me either.  I am stuck in the middle.  LAME!

3.  This is a big one.  I need some love.  I realized the other day that I have not been really, truly loved on, for an extended period of time, in so long that I am forgetting what that looks like.  This kind of scares me.  It has been a process that I have seen taking place in my life for a while now, but now it is just really bad.  I have no one to hug, I mean a real hug here, not just a social hug.  I have no one to snuggle with, I am even getting uncomfortable when I think about snuggling with my dad.  This is a BAD sign.  I told him I would never be too big to sit on his lap.  Some of my happiest memories are snuggling up next to my parents.  No one who really cares if I am going out to get the mail.  I have no one who wants me to try on my new clothes for them.  No one to tell me I look beautiful daily.  No one who thinks I am really funny and will laugh at my jokes or something funny I say.  How does this happen? I have a really great loving family.  They are tangible examples of what God's love looks like, and yet I can't recall how to love!?!  This just seems ridiculous to me.  I know it is in there somewhere...I think...I know....Maybe?  Maybe I lost it.  I like to think I didn't.  That would be one of the saddest things I ever heard of if I did.  I am even crying about it right now, that's how sad it is.

As most of you know if you have ever talked to me recently, you know that I really desire to meet a new significant other.  Let me just stop there for a moment...

If I hear ONE MORE TIME!  That:

1. "I am only 23 and shouldn't be so concerned about finding a man"
2. "I should be patient, it is all in God's timing"
3. "I should enjoy being single in this time of my life"
4. "I should make the most out of not having anything tying me down"    

I might freak out....internally of course (which is probably the cause of this really melancholy post).  I know all of these things.  I am sure you are just trying to be encouraging, and I appreciate it.  I really do.   But, just because I am 23 doesn't mean I am not allowed to have this desire.  Just because I am waiting for God to make it clear to me the right thing to do, DOES NOT mean that it is easy to do ( I will wait for that direction...don't worry).  I do enjoy being single....but not every day.  Being single SUCKS a lot of times, but I guess we are never supposed to talk about it sucking, we don't want to bring anyone down.  I think I have done many things that I would not have done if I were still in a relationship.  I lived on my own.  I played Intramurals.  I baked with new friends on Wednesday nights.  I MOVED away from everyone that I love to make a way for MYSELF in this world ( and let me tell you, that is not at all as easy as it sounds).  I followed through with an item on my bucket list.  I wore no makeup and let my hair do whatever it wanted for an entire summer and I didn't have to worry about what someone else thought about it.  I learned how to back up my computer on an external hard drive.  I drove halfway across the country.  I frequently unclog drains.  I remove cockroaches from my house.  I don't mow the grass (I pay someone to do that, at least for right now).  I am in the process of developing my own sense of fashion.  I taught myself how to do my own makeup in a way that suits me.  I don't have to think about anyone else except for me.  Doesn't that sound great?  It's not!  It is awful really.  Food doesn't taste as good if you are cooking it just for yourself.  It is much less exhausting and much more rewarding to have someone else to think about.      

Please don't get me wrong.  I am truly blessed.  God has given me a life that I couldn't even dream up for myself.  He is a constant presence in my daily life.  From giving me a fall day today right after I was feeling sad that I was missing Michigan fall, placing new passions in my soul that help direct me towards writing my thesis (something I have been scared of since Third Grade).  I want for nothing.  Well, material based.  It is really amazing to think about how far I have come in such a few number of years and it is apparent that I did not do that myself.  God is there.  But God made us to need people as well and I am feeling the loss of that.  

There...I feel a little better.  To any of you who just read this, you have just gotten a little glimpse into what goes through my head at various points of the day.  It is amazing how the brain works, I can think all of that in a matter of seconds.  I am a firm believer that the meaning of a person's name relates to how they are as a person.  Caleb means bold and he is.  Isaac means laughter and he makes us all laugh.  My name means two things:  1.  Sea of bitterness...I don't think I have to explain that one if you just read what I wrote, and 2.  Chosen One...I know God has chosen me to do something wonderful.  He has that all planned, I should not have to ever worry about my life being directionless.  I am CHOSEN! and nothing except that really matters that much.                                            


  

I'm Going to Carolina in My Mind

This is my house!  I love it...if you couldn't tell :)

Here it is!  Pictures of my new place!  It was so much fun to take pictures of all my favorite things about this house...then again, it is fun to have my own house.  The order I put them in is exactly the same order that I show people the house.  So you can have a legitimate Molly tour.  Enjoy!  I know I do :)

It's pink...which, if you know anything about me, you will know I think this is AWESOME!

This is a Magnolia tree.  It is quite possibly the best thing in the south...not including Chick-Fil-A.  I walk under this every morning to get in my car to go to school.

Our front porch.  I want to get a porch swing eventually.

When the wind hits this chime I get so calm.  Add Norah Jones and an orange creamsaver to that and I can get through anything.

It finally has a place after years and years in a box.  It is so nice to have my stuff around!

My nifty mail slot...that they don't use anymore.  

This is the view out the window of our front door.  I think it is beautiful.

New rug.

Rickety barn/shed in the back.  We don't keep fragile things in there...lets just say that.

Awesome detail in the hallway!

Right after we moved in, my room mate Dana walked into the bathroom, took a look around and told me we had the girliest  house ever...I agree.

Fun window in the shower.

MY BAKING NOOK!!!!!  I can't figure out why I ever used this dresser for clothes.  Notice the cool vintage apron Caleb got me for Christmas.

Cook books and Geese measuring cups....And pyrex (of course).

My very own dishes...in my very own cupboard :)

New silverware and awesome new rolling pin.

A drawer just for my spatulas, spoons, and measuring spoons.

I love these wood floors.

A door knob that reminds me of Alice in Wonderland and Great Grandpa and Grandma's house.  

What my room looks like as a whole.

My bed.

 

My new grown up bed spread.  It is like I am sleeping in a field of flowers every night.  I LOVE it!

My awesome green chair that Melissa got me for a housewarming gift.  I had literally been thinking that I wanted a green velvety chair for my room...and there it was!

Georgiana thinks this is a good reading chair :)

Jude and Google agree.  They also like my pink indian blanket I got at a Pow Wow with my Uncle Aaron, Mom, and brother when I was little.

The view from my chair.  It's amazing how putting your own books on your book shelf can make you feel so at home all of a sudden.

My new dresser...to replace the one from the kitchen.  It fits perfectly in it's own little niche in the wall.

Souvenirs from Spain, my jewelry treasure chest, and a special shaker Isaac gave to me a long time ago.

Special notes from my parents!

Another view of my room.

The original closets of the house.  I use this one for blankets.

This one is solely devoted to holding my...

Skrits and Shoes :)

My other closet.

Organization for makeup and hair stuff.

Another new rug.

 There it is.  Sorry it took so long.  I wanted everything to be set up before I showed the world.  I would say that I am doing quite well in my own place.  It is a retreat, and a wonderful place to come home to after a long day in the studio.  We have nice neighbors.  Neighbor Jim is kind of a hippy, he spaces out a little bit, but he gave us tomatoes from his garden and I think he keeps an eye out for us.  Neighbor Theresa has a little baby and mows her grass religiously every Saturday morning.  She also has a couple dogs (Dana thinks the chihuahua is cute...but I think we all know that is nearly impossible).  There are neighbors to the right of us (I can't remember their names) and they are nice as well.  He listens to the Jackson Five a lot...really loudly.  The neighborhood is on the National Registry of Historic Places, which is so cool.  Dana has two rabbits...cutest things ever!  Poor bunnies though, I tease them about their ears and call them Bunny Bunny and Fluffy Bunny, even though their names are really Max and Beatrix.  I can't think of anything else at the moment.  Anyway.... if you come and visit me, you can see it for yourselves!  I hope you do!