Melancholy Nostalgia

*WARNING:  I AM GOING TO HAVE MY SELF A LITTLE PITY PARTY*

If you don't like those you might not want to read this one....Just a heads up.

Well, it's about that time again...for me to get homesick that is.  I don't know why I thought this would be any different than any other time I have moved.  I am genuinely happy...kind of.  I love having my own place, that is a plus.  I get along with my classmates decently, that is another plus.  In other areas I am kind of in a bummed out mood.

1.  School is good, but I don't think I was mentally prepared enough to go back and I am having a hard time adjusting.  This is awful.  I am actually resenting studio.  I am pretty sure that is not the best way to create great studio work.

2.  There are ZERO groups for grad. students to participate in for FUN.  Apparently grad. students are only interested in academia.  I missed that memo.  This might make me the WORST grad. student ever.  I am sorry, but I spend so much time on my homework, I don't really feel like getting together with my peers for a First Friday discussion on all of our "brilliant" ideas.  Oh...and laser tag on Friday nights with a bunch of kids who just got out of high school doesn't really sound that fun to me either.  I am stuck in the middle.  LAME!

3.  This is a big one.  I need some love.  I realized the other day that I have not been really, truly loved on, for an extended period of time, in so long that I am forgetting what that looks like.  This kind of scares me.  It has been a process that I have seen taking place in my life for a while now, but now it is just really bad.  I have no one to hug, I mean a real hug here, not just a social hug.  I have no one to snuggle with, I am even getting uncomfortable when I think about snuggling with my dad.  This is a BAD sign.  I told him I would never be too big to sit on his lap.  Some of my happiest memories are snuggling up next to my parents.  No one who really cares if I am going out to get the mail.  I have no one who wants me to try on my new clothes for them.  No one to tell me I look beautiful daily.  No one who thinks I am really funny and will laugh at my jokes or something funny I say.  How does this happen? I have a really great loving family.  They are tangible examples of what God's love looks like, and yet I can't recall how to love!?!  This just seems ridiculous to me.  I know it is in there somewhere...I think...I know....Maybe?  Maybe I lost it.  I like to think I didn't.  That would be one of the saddest things I ever heard of if I did.  I am even crying about it right now, that's how sad it is.

As most of you know if you have ever talked to me recently, you know that I really desire to meet a new significant other.  Let me just stop there for a moment...

If I hear ONE MORE TIME!  That:

1. "I am only 23 and shouldn't be so concerned about finding a man"
2. "I should be patient, it is all in God's timing"
3. "I should enjoy being single in this time of my life"
4. "I should make the most out of not having anything tying me down"    

I might freak out....internally of course (which is probably the cause of this really melancholy post).  I know all of these things.  I am sure you are just trying to be encouraging, and I appreciate it.  I really do.   But, just because I am 23 doesn't mean I am not allowed to have this desire.  Just because I am waiting for God to make it clear to me the right thing to do, DOES NOT mean that it is easy to do ( I will wait for that direction...don't worry).  I do enjoy being single....but not every day.  Being single SUCKS a lot of times, but I guess we are never supposed to talk about it sucking, we don't want to bring anyone down.  I think I have done many things that I would not have done if I were still in a relationship.  I lived on my own.  I played Intramurals.  I baked with new friends on Wednesday nights.  I MOVED away from everyone that I love to make a way for MYSELF in this world ( and let me tell you, that is not at all as easy as it sounds).  I followed through with an item on my bucket list.  I wore no makeup and let my hair do whatever it wanted for an entire summer and I didn't have to worry about what someone else thought about it.  I learned how to back up my computer on an external hard drive.  I drove halfway across the country.  I frequently unclog drains.  I remove cockroaches from my house.  I don't mow the grass (I pay someone to do that, at least for right now).  I am in the process of developing my own sense of fashion.  I taught myself how to do my own makeup in a way that suits me.  I don't have to think about anyone else except for me.  Doesn't that sound great?  It's not!  It is awful really.  Food doesn't taste as good if you are cooking it just for yourself.  It is much less exhausting and much more rewarding to have someone else to think about.      

Please don't get me wrong.  I am truly blessed.  God has given me a life that I couldn't even dream up for myself.  He is a constant presence in my daily life.  From giving me a fall day today right after I was feeling sad that I was missing Michigan fall, placing new passions in my soul that help direct me towards writing my thesis (something I have been scared of since Third Grade).  I want for nothing.  Well, material based.  It is really amazing to think about how far I have come in such a few number of years and it is apparent that I did not do that myself.  God is there.  But God made us to need people as well and I am feeling the loss of that.  

There...I feel a little better.  To any of you who just read this, you have just gotten a little glimpse into what goes through my head at various points of the day.  It is amazing how the brain works, I can think all of that in a matter of seconds.  I am a firm believer that the meaning of a person's name relates to how they are as a person.  Caleb means bold and he is.  Isaac means laughter and he makes us all laugh.  My name means two things:  1.  Sea of bitterness...I don't think I have to explain that one if you just read what I wrote, and 2.  Chosen One...I know God has chosen me to do something wonderful.  He has that all planned, I should not have to ever worry about my life being directionless.  I am CHOSEN! and nothing except that really matters that much.